Update on what happened yesterday

So, I basically just went through my second break up ever, and it was less awkward, in carrying it out, but I guess it could be more awkward because it was with what could be considered a close friend? Yes, it’s the same one I was talking about. I changed, she didn’t, it was stressful to all involved, and it’s better for both of us. We agreed to that. I feel sort of guilty, but then again, I’m not sorry for being not sorry about my decision. And neither is she so….

At this point, I’m thankful to God for being able to strip that bare and ending it. It couldn’t help either of us; I wouldn’t grow spiritually if I’m constantly worrying and fighting and getting frustrated and frustrating everyone around me because of it, and I don’t think she would have gotten anything positive from that friendship either.

I’m still praying for her, though.

And y’all, pray for her too, and our situation, so that even after this end, it’ll be an easy transition to our next stages. That she would want to come to Christ somehow. I understand it’s her decision ultimately, and that we’ve ended, but still…

And pray for me too, that I am more understanding, am less pushy, can better forgive the wrongs done to me by others, and for wisdom for me to know when to stop and when to continue when evangelising or discussing anything about Christianity, and Jesus Christ, and that relationship we should have, and social issues and… Basically any and everything.

I dunno what else to say, so imma stop here.

Thank you so much.

Bless.

– K. ~

Well, today was interesting, to say the least….

I sort of knew it would be, since I knew that 1) I’d have to go and find a place I was unaware of for an interview Friday coming (Guatemalan embassy -3 months bilingual secretary, I wants it, please pray for me!!) And then 2) rush into Chaguanas to join with fellow youths and pray and declare our love for Jesus and to do however the Spirit leads. (Dude!! Talk about awesome experiences!! I’m not an immediate outgoing person. Evangelism and going out, I love it, but I’m not too out there. I’ll talk and communicate but still.  And yet. And yet. I wasn’t preaching. That was for others. But we chanted, we prayed, we handed out tracts, we sang. We communicated with the borough and among ourselves. Dred, I dunno about y’all, but it was more than I imagined, and hoped for, since honestly, I wasn’t sure I was ready at all. Plus that weather, oui! Bad! (And it cleared up, but the grace of God!))

And 3) I could be losing a friend. It’s one disagreement that will never rest between us, the LGBTQ movement. It’s literally the basis of our conversations, whether it directly deals with it or not, and even whether she’s included or not. After an enormous Facebook comment war (read “conversation”) earlier this year, we mostly left it alone. She continued bringing it up, I left it. And we went like that.

Long story short, today my brother not-so-curtly ( more overtly and loud and insistent) in one sentence told her to shut up and move on. I (not as rudely) commented that I agree that we should stop, since we will never agree and it’s irritating everyone who doesn’t really care to read our debate(well I didn’t say the last part, but I did say that we should just drop it.)

Yeah, she’s never sharing her opinion with us anymore (“☺” at the end of her comment). [Although in her comments she contradicted her own points and basically proved what we were saying and guahhhhhh]

I have to admit that I got catty with her and said that I agree since it goes both ways (“:)” at the end of mine), thinking about where telling my opinion (in mentioned previous conversation) was met with disgust and showing the wrong in my Christian beliefs.

Okay, my reaction was wrong, I do admit. Totally unbefitting how a Christian is supposed to act, and I ask forgiveness for it. But if this is how such an influence against spiritual growth is supposed to be removed, God, your will be done.

And in the future she may come to Christ, or she may not. I don’t know. It’s between her and God. If she is to be removed, let it be so. But I will continue to pray for her.

For her, for me, for this, for this present time, these verses stood out to me.

Genesis 13: 8-9
Abram said to Lot, “Let there be no quarreling between me and you, and between my herdsmen and your herdsmen, for we are close relatives. Is not the whole land before you? Separate yourself now from me. If you go to the left, then I’ll go to the right, but if you go to the right, then I’ll go to the left.”

For now, let’s just agree to disagree and possibly never talk. It’ll be painful, and I’ll feel guilty, but really, this gives neither of us peace or growth, and it’s unnecessarily stressful. For both of us. If and when we agree on this, or other things, we’ll pick up. But for now, please, let’s let it go. I’ll pray for you, you don’t have to do anything for me.

Psalms 42: 11
Why are you depressed, O my soul?
Why are you upset?
Wait for God!
For I will again give thanks
to my God for his saving intervention.

I have to remind myself that good things aren’t always gonna be sweet and smooth. Most times than not, it’s downright painful, and guilt-causing, and stressful. God wants the best for me, and I trust him. I knew that I was feeling the stress of continuing this friendship. I lost my joy and peace, and it, most times, riled me. God has his hand on this, and it’ll be for the best.

I’m sorry if it has to end, but I’m not sorry if it’s in my best interest to leave you be.

– K. ~

Amateur Signalong, anyone?

So, like, anyone who knows me, who’s seen me around anything remotely related (like, however remotely) knows I’m well into languages and learning them and learning about them. And back in 2010? 2011? Either year, but it was when we had that Advance Phonology project to do, and I chose, without missing a beat, to study Trinidad and Tobago Sign Language, and had decided to study the phonology of that language in more detail for our final year project.

Back to what I was  getting at. During my life at UWI, I got into signed languages, particularly the cultures of Deaf societies, as well as their languages. So far, this interest drove me to watch ASL music videos, by Stephen Torrence and others on YouTube, and recently, (this year)  Paul and Tina, and to learn ASL (last year, and by myself, so I’m probably horrible with grammar).  Still have to learn TTSL, but I’m a bit of a coward, and it’s literally a whole, new world that I’ll be getting into. Geez, I have to man up a bit. And the people I’ve communicated somehow with were all nice, and patient with me, too…

Now down to the point of this post.

As it is, I’ve spent that last couple weeks, trying to translate a couple songs that I like into ASL, so, you know, practice. I’ve done like 5, and confident about 1. Well, one and a half, if you count the reprise (Broadwayyyy) So…. progress?

It’ll take a while – to practice and to man up and film myself – but if I get some help with the language from people  fluent in ASL who are willing to help and correct me, we could join in on this multilingual trend. In exchange, if you agree, when I start learning TTSL properly, I’m offering to teach you! So whaddya say?

 

 

ASL – Wicked’s I’m not that girl – +1EXP

So, like, I just spent (throwing out a number here) 3 hours glossing and practising my own American Sign Language interpretation/translation (which is it, then, when translation generally works for written things?) for Wicked’s I’m not that girl. I sort of feel proud doing it, after like a year or two of considering  and thinking about the  day I actually learn something about ASL, and using that knowledge for songs that I like. I’m still sort of shy about doing it in front of a camera or anybody, to be frank.

BUT IT’S SOMETHING!!! 

I mean, It’s like, more than achievement unlocked pride. It’s when you actually study something, for the sake of genuine gaining of knowledge, not because someone wants you to, or because it’s something you feel expected to do. You do it because you want to, and it pays off. And what you learn can benefit the community, (if you want to) or it can be used to amuse yourself ( if you want to)

I… am excited for this. I need to get a little braver to actually record myself doing it, and then sending it to/ performing it in front of people who actually know what they’re about when it comes to ASL, so I know my  knowledge isn’t equal to Google translate on a bad day.

But as I said. It’s something.

So +1 for me.

My Mother’s Ministry – Her Mouth.

Anyone who knows my mother will understand. Anyone who meets her for the first time is perplexed. Anyone who befriends her treasures it. Anyone who doesn’t… Well, they missing out.

Mommy is a talker. She relates to anyone. She relates to everyone. Like, Everyone. Class, race, gender, social status, philosophies, age, none of that matters. Are you alive? Are you within her vicinity? Can you understand English? Yes? She will talk to you. Warning you now, she has no shame and a weak censor.

But still, having this woman as a mother is probably the greatest blessing in the world. As tiresome and ungrateful I was (am) at times (because I can only speak for myself) she basically (simply) puts up with it, and prays, and waits for her children to come to their senses. We still haven’t, but we’re getting there.

Because it could have been a lot worse. She could have been a fan of straitjacket parenting that prevents any room for anything. She could have been borderline neglecting, only showing up when friends are around, or never doing that. My siblings and I could have ended up….. Anywhere, any how.

Thank God she isn’t like either of these.

My mother is the kind of woman who stays in the car, windows down (saves on gas), in the car park of a nightclub so we can have fun in a “normal” environment and a safe ride home in the end. She’s the kind of woman who stocks an impossible amount of her children’s annoying friends (from 2 schools) so everyone can get a ride home to their house.  ( So guardians know she’s safe and we basically get to do whatever – under supervision and within reason, of course.)

She’s also the kind of woman who cusses you pillar to post if you deserve it. (But, she’s fair, so chances are, you did.) And, frankly she takes no shit, so for that you had to deserve it. An declaring, “not my child”? Nope, what she do? What he do? How you dealing with it? That’s mild compared…..

Anyway….

And somehow, I mean it’s been happening for years now, but more so as of late, and we’re only now admitting that it is what it is, it’s been translated into her ministry. She says it. Her ministry is People.

She talks to everyone, with no regard for your personal background. And she talks about God most times, whether via full-on conversation, or with a simple “God bless you.” Somehow it always ends up there. She gets right to the grit of the matter. Drug-addict? Boss, we talking, gimme a 10piece. (Most don’t take her up on the offer, some do, she refuses, saying she’s joking, but she on a real with them, with the Gospel)  Homeless? Here, food, drink, a $20. God bless, eh? Lawyer? Liar, equals sin, equals Evangelising. (Not that she actually means you’re a liar if you’re a lawyer, but she will say it and use it) Now come from school? You need a drop home? Come, and she turning up the volume on the radio (107.1 FM – the Word, Best Christian music, contemporary, old school, old school with contemporary twist, Big up), all the while talking about Jesus and her relationship with God.

She’s been doing this since I was pre-double digits. And these people remember her. Her car is safest in the most dangerous of areas. People who curse generally, stop when they see her, but not because she’s a “Church-lady”, it’s genuine respect. People see the most suspect of people hugging this dressed up woman, who hugs them back and I’m sure they’re shocked. But that’s normal for us. We grew up like that. We’re just like, so who, when, where, oh, okay, and we sit on the side and wait.

As I said, this is pretty much normal for us.

The reason I decided to actually blog this instead of thinking about blogging it, was that we actually started to get into her conversations (that we usually tune out, because it’s like everything else for us). My brother and I actually gave pretty recent testimonies that had been major (for him) and pretty banal, but not really (for me), all to my friend (Hindu). Now whether she believes us, or accepted them because that’s the kind of person she is, and the kind of society we’re growing to be, it’s really she who knows.

But the seed has been planted.

All because my mother just won’t stop talking.

– K. ~

Can life be simultaneously Busy and Stagnant? – Problems faced by the Youth in Christ

There are so many things that have happened, normal everyday things that have happened to me these past few weeks. Naturally, I could just take any one of these and run with it, giving an inspirational message concerning the great faith we have in Christ and  the problems we have, and how he delivers us, and all that. Usually I would. Or at least, I have done that in past posts. Somehow here though, that doesn’t really seem like the way to go with this one.

Obviously, as past posts would point out, I have been more involved in Church and church activities. We just finished two weeks of Vacation Bible School. I’m now playing a part in our church’s evangelism ministry, taking an evangelism class under the Evangelism Minister, and I’m gonna work with a group of youths, under the guide of the older people in the ministry.

And still, I don’t know. It gets to the point that  whenever I feel as if I’m moving ahead in my faith, something comes up and hampers it – sickness, bad scheduling – and I start to question if it even makes sense to do any more. Then (at some point) I think,  I’m 24, and unemployed, unlike other people my age (and younger) both in the faith and not. So it’s not that God favours believers and gives them a job immediately (*points at self*) And it’s not like people of the world have nothing to worry about because *vague explanation that I no longer hear* (*points at friend*)

I no longer feel connected to my friends, because of differences in our individual schedules. I  missed a very fun videogame lime with friends because I was sick, and because of bad scheduling. Double Whammy. I don’t feel as if I can effectively develop any relationship of any kind (old or new) with anyone, because of this. Yeah, sometimes, it gets stressful. I’m not lying.

On the other hand though, I’m actually quite happy for what I’m doing. Because of the classes, I’m coming to better understand  the bible and the verses that I would have otherwise just read and/or overlooked. I missed what would have been my first day out on the streets evangelising with the youths, save for the VBS aftermath cold. Still, I’d prayed for them to have guidance, and for the presence of the Holy Spirit. And they had a great experience, praying for those who asked, even getting cooperation from the CD and DVD vendors and chow venders on the street. Who knew?

Despite everything, I have to admit I am getting somewhere. I just want to know where.

I’m not the most patient person in the world. Is it wrong to ask God for a hint?…