Tiny little question

Anybody else gets the oddest bits of a little Jiminy Cricket type deal going on? Like more than your conscience racking up your heart and dowsing it with guilt for a little lie you’ve told, nicking that little phone charm, or some other wrong thing that you’ve done?

Few things happen to me. Like one, whenever I do/think about  doing any wrong thing – worship songs. Like, in my head, I’m not lying, at these specific points in time. And even when I’m upset and seriously pondering just giving up on church and church life and basically every connection with God, even considering suicide, more than a couple of times –  I’m being blunt here. I really feel like I need to be. I’d get an old worship song stuck in my head. It’s totally random, but it’s there sure as I’m at the point of just renouncing and denying everything to do with Christ. And I’ve been there so many times. And each time it’s enough for me to stop crying and fighting and complaining and concentrate on the words and meditate on the message and it’s exactly what I need.

And whenever I’m just so angry and frustrated and lashing out at everyone and everything, because old issues are hard to eliminate, the exact bible story that’s relevant to that situation – in my head, one time.
I’ll tell you about one time because it’s recent. This week, Monday, I believe, I’d thought about some things my sister had done in the past that had almost literally torn my family apart. It was living the Prodigal son, but worse because, well we were that family. Even now there are repercussions to deal with. 

Randomly, I’d gone onto one of my “I’d been the perfect daughter basically trying to keep things together and deal with all this shit she left behind and she has the nerve to come back and act as if nothing had happened, selfish little…” And it continues.

And out of the blue, “imagine if Jesus had been acting like you. He died for your sins to be forgiven, taking the brunt of everything and dealing with the repercussions, while you continue life as before.”

It was the most humbling thing I’d experienced. I’d even said so aloud. To God, “Wow, okay, that was humbling…. If that wasn’t I dunno what is.”

My sister never apologised for doing what she did. I doubt she ever will. Still it’s a disturbing analogy for the state of the world. We’re born in sin,  and we have a chance to turn from it, apologise for our wrongs and not go back. And yet many of us don’t. Many of us don’t acknowledge the wrong, and go do far as to justify them. Many more of us do apologise and promise to turn away but we still continue. It’s never sincere.

And even if we do apologise and try to turn away from our wrongs and do our best to do right, what if God was like me that day? That’s a scary thought, and I’m glad he does forgive…. Without his saving grace and forgiveness, where would we all be?

So back to my question – anything like this happens to anyone?


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