That’s my title and I’m sticking with it.
Don’t get me wrong. In terms of events/incidents of the year, it could have been worse. Or could have been better. Or could have stood still. Or could have just not been. That final option could make anyone think.
So from optimistic, to pessimistic, to scary, to revelation.
But what exactly am I posting about here? In short, a little throwback and commentary on my year so far. Because things have been happening and as thrilling as it is, it’s also so bloody terrifying. For someone who doesn’t do well with major changes, who gets physically ill at the thought of new things and things failing so miserably that I’d probably never be able to cope- yeah, terrifying.
But positive strides have been made this year, in terms of personal, academic and professional growth. I’ve organised trips and parties and have them successfully completed. I’ve learned new skills that I’ve really been meaning to for a while. I’ve lost a few friends, but found myself in my beliefs, and made friends too. I’ve reconnected with old friends and realised how isolated I’d kept myself up to this point, and just how badly that’s been affecting me. I’ve been pushed outside my comfort zones, and even though the thought of failure still gets me ill, people have seen changes in me for the better. I’m making an effort to be social. I’m adapting to balancing work and school. For once I’m thinking about my future without forcing myself to think about it as still distant.
And yet, terrifying. What if I cut off friends that I need later, or who may need me? What if I fail in school? What if my work suffers because of my mistakes? How would that affect jobs later? Have I missed opportunities? What about those I’ve already missed? Life is passing and I’m stuck trailing. I’m being social, but it feels like I’m compensating. Why couldn’t I stay where I was? I slept through the night without an upset stomach and thoughts of an ulcer gnawing away at my insides before. Facebook feeds of boyfriends, girlfriends, weddings and spouses, and children don’t help. Neither do dreams. All in all, it’s far from pleasant. Talk about taking the good with the bad.
I’m trying to keep my head up. It’s been a good year, all things considered. And, in Jesus’ name, I know it will end on a good note for me, and I’ll be better for my experiences.
Still I won’t lie – these days I feel like a need more than belief. I feel like I need somewhere to hide.
Mark 4: 40
And he said to them, “Why are you cowardly? Do you still not have faith?”
Deuteronomy 3: 22
Do not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God will personally fight for you.”
Proverbs 3: 24
When you lie down you will not be filled with fear;
when you lie down your sleep will be pleasant.
Psalms 31: 5
Into your hand I entrust my life;
you will rescue me, O Lord, the faithful God.
Psalms 42: 5
Why are you depressed, O my soul?
Why are you upset?
Wait for God!
For I will again give thanks
to my God for his saving intervention.
Isaiah 33: 2
Lord, be merciful to us! We wait for you.
Give us strength each morning!
Deliver us when distress comes.
Isaiah 25: 9
At that time they will say,
“Look, here is our God!
We waited for him and he delivered us.
Here is the Lord! We waited for him.
Let’s rejoice and celebrate his deliverance!”