Boyfriend for 2015 – viable goal? Seems sketchy

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There are so many reasons for me to put aside the idea of starting to develop a romantic/intimate relationship with some dude in the year 2015. I’m financially up in the air. Spirituality should be a priority now. School and qualifications towards a career is. I’m socially awkward and socially stunted. I’m a 24 year old with a 16 year old’s sense of humour. I don’t know what I want or why I do. I don’t even know if that is what I want. Socially speaking I’m feeling pressured by my powers who are in relationships, engaged, married, or married with kids, and/or seem to have their shit together, while I don’t right now.

I also know that looking at the lives of others where they intersect with mine on my Facebook feeds is not only deceptive, but dangerous. I’m risking anxiety and stress over their lives? Really? What determines their lives as better? Because they have an SO and I don’t? Really, is that what you’ve reduced your life to?

And yet.

And yet.

I love my life. But I want someone to share that with. Family could only go so far. I want that private inside joke,  his head on my lap while while he sleeps through another Disney movie and my head on his while he’s watching some documentary or other. That peck on the nose, that new recipe made almost perfect for us to share, random drives around the island because why not. That romanticised image is stuck in my head and despite knowing that it can’t always be that way because I’m impossible, and he’ll be impossible and our systems of everything will clash, and I’ll hate him, and he’ll be fed up of my shit – why do I feel like a portion of 2015 should be dedicated to that?

And I want to do it too. But I’m also aware of the reality that I’m so not ready. Emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually, prolly physically too, because new things get me physically ill. And I don’t want to wake up 2 in the morning with nausea over some dude.

2014 was the year new things happened because I took chances.

Same principle could apply here for this.

But I need to ask do I really want to, and why.

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