My Longest and Sincerest Rant in a long time

It’s been a while since I had a topic that I’m actually brave enough to write about and keep. I still haven’t found it. But I do know this. Whatever is in my head now, whatever it is I’m going through, Lord….

Lord….

So many things, so many issues, so many fears, and it’s those fears that keep me from talking to the people who could possibly help me, whether with advice or making me – forcing me –   to see whatever it is in my head in a new way that could actually help me.

I know my whole thing is ranting, usually – hopefully – unapologetically ranting about literally anything and everything that pops into my head, regardless of whoever or whatever I provoke.

At least that was the goal? If  there ever was one?

Still, so many things…. All are gripping. All are silent for a time. Usually until I’m silent. Distractions like recipes, and crafts, and schoolwork, and TV and games are all temporary reliefs. Then they creep up.

Or they blatantly smack me in the face, and all old issues flare up at the slightest thing, the most mundane sentence, or a slip of the tongue, be it mine or someone else’s. Or even a physical sensation.

Those are the worst, because then I slip back into what I was at any point in the last 10 years. And I try to avoid those points. They’re not happy reminders a lot of the time.

I think what hurts most currently is everything having to do with my growth, mentally, emotionally and spiritually within the last year and the stark comparisons between each month as 2015 progresses and the corresponding month for 2014. I’m probably at my lowest now, and my most anxious, and can’t really being myself to talk to anyone, no matter their relationship with me.

Last year was hope, progress and a ….. Vigor? for the future. This year just seems like condemnation, lies, stagnation, fear, and anxiety over the uncertainty of what’s to come. In any area of life. Which trickles to subsets. Which churns more of this out.

I’m afraid to talk to my parents – embarrassment, fear, just all round upsetting

Want to avoid Church members or leaders – Don’t really want stuff like this circulating, although some of it already is I’m sure.

Can’t talk to friends – half will be unable to understand and/or relate, or will be unable to see what the problem is. Half will look at me in a whole new, not necessarily flattering way. All will make me regret opening my mouth.

I feel like I’m being vague, but that’s safe enough for now, but if you read my article that I posted bout a week ago or so before deleting it, because it was too whiney and too TOO, you’d get an idea of some of the problems I’m having.

At this point, this is pretty much all I’m asking for. Not just. It’s a list.

First, I’m asking that y’all have patience, if I rant and delete, or rant and offend, or if I’m completely incoherent in my articles.

I’m asking you, my readers and fellow bloggers, especially my Christian readers and fellow 1bloggers to remember me in prayer, specifically about my backsliding, temptations, fear, and temper. This, I think is immediate. I’d like to ask you to remember my employment prospects in prayer as well, but I think that’s secondary. Or at least, low down in my list of issues.

I’m asking for prayer, not only of y’all, but of myself, since this one is in my interest, for guidance from the Holy Spirit toward an outpouring on my life, and that I feel his presence in my life and in my worship.

I’m asking that you remember my friend in prayer. The one who I’ve been friends with despite everything and everyone for 21 years and who I haven’t talked to face to face on a real since the bookshop incident that I blogged about but I can’t find that article to link right now.

Whatever the reason – maybe I’m rationalising it to fit my own logic and intentions, I dunno – despite my greatest efforts to avoid her, she’s coming into my life in whatever little way available. I’ve avoided her where possible, and where I couldn’t, it’s always set up in a way that she’s next to me, and I’m on high alert. I dunno what it is, but since that day, I basically have become a conspiracy theorist, trying to avoid what plans of corruption and destruction she may have for me.

Yet I keep getting reminders, usually verbal, from people who’ve come in contact with her, or who know the story. Naturally, since they know about her, or know her through me, they ask me about her, since I’m that one connection between them and her.

But it feels like I’m the one friend of hers who’s had a Christian background, and who’s still in it, who’s been given this task of bringing her to Jesus and her salvation, or at least making it available to her.

And the way it’s going….. I’m not strong enough, or sure enough, in my own evaluation to do this. And yet there she is.

This is my request regarding her. Remember her in prayer. Remember me in prayer and our relationship too. I pray for strength, guidance, wisdom, that I lean on God’s word than my own understanding about this. That no harm come to me if it is so directed. That I fully and completely surrender this, rather than just saying it and obsessing over it later. That you all keep yourselves in prayer over this too. Something as important as a girl’s salvation can bring gnarly things toward prayer warriors and intercessors. That the choice be presented to her, in whatever way God sees fit, no matter what my heart desires.

I have so many friends who are not Christians, who don’t even know or understand this God, and relationship, and action and sensation even. Yet I’m focused on her. I don’t know why, but whatever it is. God’s will. I can’t pretend to understand it.

Keep my brother’s friends in prayer. Of the three of them, brother included, two of them are hearing into exams while the third seemingly dropped everything, academically and I hope not spiritually. She’s a new Christian, but despite encouragement from her friends, and my family, it’s all gone to shit, it feels like. Which is bad. Because, before where I felt the need to fast and pray on her behalf, I think of her and fell sad, but no action is taken to help her now. I shudder to think what my mother and brother are going through on her behalf. They were more involved with her.

God must have a plan for her, but where she’s at right now may not be conducive to that plan. That’s one fear of mine, that she goes so fast that she either loses her salvation (stupid, irrational thought) or that she thinks she’s gone too far too come back, or what she forgets about it altogether. I just pray that God stays at her side and keeps her through whatever, until she comes back, and/or comes back to get senses. (I’m in scolding big-sister mode. Forgive me). I pray that she gets guidance toward her decision for a home church too. I also pray that she gets to go….

Another one that I remembered before, before I got carried away with back stories galore.

So more back stories.

I honestly don’t know about y’all. I can neither verify or assume that people, Christian or not, believers or not, have been having a greater sense of urgency that they can or can’t explain about the End of Days. To be honest, you can hear about it from any member of your neighbourhood church, and you can prolly follow the conversion, and contribute, without actually believing in it.

But I’m not just talking about it, or rather, I’m not talking about it, but letting it stew in me. Physical and emotional sensations are overwhelming me. Blatant thoughts about how I’m not sincere enough a believer to be taken up at the second coming. Or how I’m too weak to refuse the Mark. All the end of days scenarios played out in my head are possible because I’m still there. Fighting. Struggling. Preaching sometimes. But I’m still there in the post-raptured world.

My left hand burned throughout the service Sunday with that voice in my head telling me once again how weak I am, and how it’s only a matter of time. It felt as if i had it already and the guilt was literally burning me. Couldn’t tell you what the service what about, but I remember that.

It’s not comforting to know.

Where am I going with this?

The days are coming. It’s almost here. I know it. And I’m dreading it.

The Church, as the Bride of Christ, is asleep. Things are happening in the Church – that are bad, and dissonant, and everything in that strain – more often than they did, I’m sure twenty years ago. Less people are sincere. More are fronting. More things are permitted.. More people are turning a blind eye to things happening. More division in the home, in the family, in the church, among churches and denominations, even among churches of any given denomination.

The Church is asleep. We’re not as ready as we think. On a real now. Is this something you feel we should be trying to rectify? We need to pray about this. We need an outpouring of the Holy Spirit. We need guidance. We need wisdom. We need to do so much, I ironically but sincerely feel as if I’m planning a wedding and I don’t know where to begin.

I’m ranting and I’m pouring myself out to you. You can take my words and scorn it, listen to it, ignore it, whatever.

But these are genuine fears and problems and issues that are haunting me. These are concerns that I want to address, but I can’t on my own. These are things that I feel that asking perfect strangers for, and talking to perfect strangers about is the best way to go about starting to do something about them. And I can’t be the only one.

As Christians, persecution is a given, temptation is a constant presence. Backsliding is a term used pretty often. Friends and family and their salvation is something we all face. End of Days is something we hope to see, either to prove to ourselves or whoever that this is a reality, for whatever reason or other.qq t’s also something we hope to avoid because it’s all bad after that, for a good while. It may seem good, but nah.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. For this topic, I’m not looking for comments to see who is like me, ‘let’s create a club and ask other paranoid people and other outcasts to join’. For one thing that’s work I’d rather avoid. No likes either. I mean I’d like it if y’all do read it and it does something to you, I’d like to read how it affected you-

I – words. Not work….now…

As it stands, pouring my heart out as much as I dare, burdening you with my somewhat irrational fears, and making a wish list of prayer that I’m forcing on you people, I do want to say that I will try to make myself available to talk, or to pray with you for whatever comes up in your life. This needs to be reciprocated I think.

– Kaye~

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