How does one admit that something feels wrong? How does one begin to express that thesis that will explode into a monologue exclaiming ( not necessarily being able to explain) those fears and misgivings and uncertainties that plague the mind? How does one even begin to process when and how it happened when such events seemed to sneak up on them, only making themselves known at the slightest trigger? And if one can’t process it, how does one express it? How does one even begin looking for the help wanted, when one is unsure of the kinds of help needed? Why would one even want to, knowing that everyone, from the genuinely concerned, to the shadiest, to those that you learned the hard way do not deserve such fearful candidness, judges, and judges strongly?
This is a feeling that everyone gets at some point many times in their life. I think it’s slightly more bothersome – Troublesome? Annoying? Cloying? – to those who have a moral code that they live by based on their religion. At least speaking of the ones I have an idea of, most times, a consequence to an action – focusing on sins, and contrary actions then – that have the possibility to induce fear and confusion for those staunchly against ideas without a God or Higher being.
Where am I going with this?
Thoughts are not my friend tonight.
Speaking for myself, I’m not sure when things made a second 180°, making me fall back into the place I was years ago. All I know is that I feel like I’m slowly slipping. Progress and maturity fell. Things are reverting to the norm with considerable changes being prominent, and coming full circle, enough to build on and grow. And everything about me refuses.
The growth I experienced within the last two years feels plateaued and dropping. Habits are easier to fall back into, and harder to climb out of. They’re getting worse, and I don’t know how to stop.
Everything about me screams that something is wrong. I need to get help. I agree some days. I can’t do this. I’m way too weak! Other days I disagree. I’m still weak, I know, but who can help me and give me the advice and help I need, without judgement, or spreading my business, and causing others to judge? It’s happened with others. I don’t want to be another gossip topic. And once that is ignored or overcome, how does one start talking about it?
What’s worse is that this is teenager behaviour. I’d hoped I was past that. Turns out I’m not.
It’s an Adam and Eve thing. Being shamed by what you did wrong, and being laid bare before God. As a Christian, grown up in the Church, with friends in the home church and out, with older more experienced people for advice, it should be second nature to go to God about this. But it’s Adam and Eve. I really don’t want to admit it and face it.
No one wants to face the person they’ve wronged, or done wrong by.