I found my gift, Melissa! I also used it! I don’t usually do that with stationery gifted to me!

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Y’all, finding this notebook and cracking it open was probably one the best reminders for me. With all the stress and drama that’s been going on for forever now, I almost forgot why people should not shy away from volunteering for VBS. Personally, 2010 was a hard year for me. For that matter, it was the start of a hard period for the family. And I remember going in blatantly, purposefully trying my best not to break down because I never wanted anyone, especially the visiting team that year to see, seeing as they were our guests. But I worked. Mostly forgot about myself. Went home. Stressed over things that were not under my control.

Anyone who knows me knows I love stationery. So I appreciated this. And this message made me cry. Looking back at it, this makes me cry all over again.

Today, it serves as a reminder of my duty, and also, for the relief and gratitude of having gone through all of that and coming out on the other side.

– Kaye~

Dear, Princess Celestia

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Yes, dear readers,I, a big grown woman, do willingly admit, that I still watch Lauren Faust’s My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

But as ridiculous as I find the show sometimes,  it still rings true to me. Twilight Sparkle is my Power Pony, not only because we love books, reading, and collecting books, while trying to convince our friends to have a book club. ( Although, I may have more luck than her, to be honest.) No, before the main protagonist left Canterlot, she wasn’t a good friend, and shunned the idea of the importance of Friendship. It’s the premise for the whole series. She, with the help of 5 other Ponies from Ponyville, learn and teach the values of Friendship across Equestria.

Here’s where I’ll try to leave Equestria behind.

My friends are important to me. I have friendships lasting up to 22 years come this September. And the people that have seen me through 12 to 22 years of schooling plus whatever we did outside of the classroom, including picnics and tea parties- they are dear to me.

Unfortunately, I’m not the best, or most reliable. I’m known for flaking on social events. Even, sadly, those I’ve planned.

But I’m more than grateful for friends who understand my annoying behaviour, and are willing to forgive me for my flaws. Honestly, I’d be way worse off without my girls.

Which is why I’m so up in arms to cheer up my boys as after they lost a friend this week. I knew the girl who died, and while I wasn’t as close to her as they were, their loss of a good friend is something I know I’d  never want to go through alone.

Still, they do have a strong support system. I know their friend group. They have reliable people. Even if they don’t need me, I’m happy they have each other.

The most I could do is be available. I may not always be included, but I can at least offer to be there.

– Kaye~

I want more than a wedding.

As much as planning a pretend wedding is and finding new ways to use my newly acquired and developing DIY skills to make that day quirky and unique and perfectly recognisable, pretend wedding planning brings up IRL qualities and desires for the other half of us.

What do I want in You?

First, I think I would prefer you before my 30’s, although after could be just as fun, if circumstantially different. A wedding is a wedding. Nothing dictates a specific time to get married.

I want to geek out with you, in spite of you, and laugh with  you as you do the same. I want to get into your interests, whether I like them or not, because they’re so perfectly you and you would be so fascinating.

I want to have intellectual conversations about the most Mundane things in the world. Correct me when I’m wrong. Teach me things I’ve never considered before. In the same way, be willing to learn from me. I want you to learn with me.

I want to build with you. A home. A family. A life. I want to support you in stress. I want you to make me laugh with I’m fed up, calm me down when I’m riled up.

I want a partner in crime, I’ll be the Bonnie to your Clyde.

I want to tell you to stop being a fucktwad and shut up and take the compliment I’ll be giving you after seeing what we built together – something I’d never have built without you.

I want to see spiritual growth with you. I want to pray with you, and for you and our family that we grow together and stay together under God and with His blessing. I want to see Him in you, knowing that I have a man after God’s own heart. Be my leader, the priest in the home. Let’s lead our family to Christ together.

Our marriage should be like the Songs of Solomon, brought to life. I want to fall in love with you every day. I want to see your flaws and want you anyway.

Our love should be both embarrassing to our children, and a standard to strive for in their own lives. Those brats should be so jealous of us.

I want to be your girl. I want to be your woman. I want my boy. I want my man. I want to be ridiculous with you. I want to weather the serious storms. 

When we fight, I want to care for you to the point that it hurts. Please want the same for me. Please want the same for our children.

After the fight, and the storm dies down, I want to collapse with you.  Strengthen our bond. Build it back. I’m not the easiest. I admit that. We’ll get back to where we were and further. Just bear with me.

I wanna be creative together and apart. I want our space to show us off equally and as complementary. I want to cook for you, clean and maintain. I wanna cook beside you. New things, old things, forging ahead together with different pasts.

Let’s be Ellie and Carl. Let’s plot our own adventures.

Our life would be imperfectly perfect and I want to treasure it forever.

The wedding is fun, but I want so much more with You.

– Kaye~

Today I found out that one of my colleagues from University died.

This is the second time that one of my fellow students died. And this is the second time that I have no idea how I feel, how I am acting, how I should act, how I should feel, whether I’m feeding off the grief of others who knew her or not.

This is difficult. I’m not sure of myself, and I’m not sure if I’m guilty or not, for not keeping in touch or anything. I admit that I wasn’t close to her, and I feel that I probably have less reason to shed a tear for her. Not as much as others I know who spent time with her. Not as much as people who talked to her last week even.  Still, thinking about it, I feel them.

I’m actually more worried for her friends. Our mutual friends. I never knew her family. Although, I am concerned about them as well. She’s survived by her parents and sister.

Do they feel guilty? Has the reality hit?

And the parents – the loss of a child. Not unknown, but Unexpected. I can’t really understand it. I don’t think I can get it. I hope I never do.

And her sister. Were they close? And even then….

I’m really not fully into this post. I’m trying to get the words out, cuz everything  in me wants me to get it out. But I’m avoiding it.

I’m avoiding it because I can’t decide whether I’m mourning her or not. I’m avoiding it because I don’t do well in these situations. It’s happened before and i still can’t do this. I’m avoiding it because, should there be a slight chance they want to talk to me, I feel I need to be there for her friends.

– Kaye~

Sometimes I’m glad I’m a geekgirl.

When it comes to Bible reading, it’s a little daunting. From language, to context, to what the heck does that mean!, to avoiding bugs that come to my screen and have me failing madly to get these phytophiles away from me, to just about any distraction possible. Including blogging I suppose.

This is one time I’m glad I widened my fandom space.

I like Star Trek well enough. I’m a TNG girl. I’m not ashamed 😄

But I did once read something along the lines of if the Enterprise gets repaired multiple times along the journey it’s making across the universe is it the same ship as when it started? How many USS Enterprise- D’s did Picard actually captain before D was destroyed?

Oddly, reading Romans 6, this analogy came back to me, and, dare I say, that it helped me get some of it? Help me if I’m off, though, this is just how I could best put my understanding. It’s a weird way to do it, but still.

Romans 6:2 … How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?

The Enterprise-D that set out from Earth was not necessarily the same one at the end of TNG.

In the same way, we are not the same person we were before we believed and were baptised in faith.

People see the Enterprise-D, but acknowledge that it may not have it’s original parts – that it is essentially a different ship with the same name. We’re the same. When you give your life to Christ, those old parts die away. Our old parts – habits, thoughts, what have you – dead, gone, obsolete, no longer there to cause us problems. Like the repaired Enterprise-D, we’re newer, better, more alive and functioning in Christ. Our old bodies in Sin are no more.

Romans6:7 For he that is dead is freed from sin.6:6 Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.6:3 Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death?6:4 Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.6:5 For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection:6:11 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.6:10 For in that he died, he died unto sin once: but in that he liveth, he liveth unto God.6:9 Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him.6:8 Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him:

Of course, like the Enterprise-D, aren’t we prone to failure? Machines and systems fail, problems arise and repairs are needed again.

We, as humans are also prone to failure.

Romans6:19 I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness.

Still. We’re not a machine.

We’re given a chance. We’re admittedly imperfect. We falter. We fail. Sin is in our nature.

Romans 6:12 Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.

However, we’re given that chance for redemption. For grace. For someone to fix our faulty bits if we let it be known and trust Him.  And trust calls for belief in Him. 

Grace restores, renews, makes whole. We’re not the same afterward. We’re completely different by the end of our journey.

Neither was the Enterprise at the end of the series. She had a good repairman.

– Kaye~