This is the second time that one of my fellow students died. And this is the second time that I have no idea how I feel, how I am acting, how I should act, how I should feel, whether I’m feeding off the grief of others who knew her or not.
This is difficult. I’m not sure of myself, and I’m not sure if I’m guilty or not, for not keeping in touch or anything. I admit that I wasn’t close to her, and I feel that I probably have less reason to shed a tear for her. Not as much as others I know who spent time with her. Not as much as people who talked to her last week even. Still, thinking about it, I feel them.
I’m actually more worried for her friends. Our mutual friends. I never knew her family. Although, I am concerned about them as well. She’s survived by her parents and sister.
Do they feel guilty? Has the reality hit?
And the parents – the loss of a child. Not unknown, but Unexpected. I can’t really understand it. I don’t think I can get it. I hope I never do.
And her sister. Were they close? And even then….
I’m really not fully into this post. I’m trying to get the words out, cuz everything in me wants me to get it out. But I’m avoiding it.
I’m avoiding it because I can’t decide whether I’m mourning her or not. I’m avoiding it because I don’t do well in these situations. It’s happened before and i still can’t do this. I’m avoiding it because, should there be a slight chance they want to talk to me, I feel I need to be there for her friends.