This is a topic that I’ve had in mind ever since I started this blog years ago. But this is something that I really do need to address. This will affect the way I’m viewed, by myself, by my family and friends, by my followers and readers.
I’m afraid that this may cause me to lose some, but I honestly hope that isn’t the case, mainly because I could really use you all for support and accounting.
Bad habits are fun to create, hell to break. And I feel like that is meant literally.
That’s my habit. A major one.
I haven’t actually had sex yet. But sex and sexual actions are a vice for me. I keep saying that I need to break out of it. For reasons personal, spiritual, and emotional.
It started years ago, maybe more than 10 years ago, and it’s built up steadily over the years. It was a way to explore and get to know myself. Then a way to gain control over myself. A way to calm me down, to get sleep after studying, to give a sense of stability that I felt I needed.
Then pornography, getting more and more wild, getting deeper and deeper into learning and understanding different fetishes and the like.
One good thing, I know what I would consider allowing to happen to me, and where I would draw the line. Almost a bittersweet consolation.
Still, as a Christian woman, this isn’t something I want hanging over me. I want a husband, I want a family, and I don’t want them to be subjected to the things I was, growing up – pornography and adultery being prominent regarding this particular subject. I really don’t want to perpetuate the cycle, and suggest that it’s okay for my sons and daughters to do.
In my head, I know that this is wrong. In my spirit, I’m constantly aware of the sinfulness behind it. Sex isn’t bad, but sexual immorality is. And these things fall under that. Emotionally, I don’t want to bear any more guilt about it. And it will get worse once I’m in a relationship if it continues. Given that last point, I’m glad I’m not in a relationship now.
Yet in my body, maybe in my heart, I really don’t want to stop it. It gave me a sense of control over myself. It’s helped me sleep when I couldn’t. It pandered to the idea of being sexually wanted by men, even if it was a general audio, with descriptions of women vastly different to me.
It’s terrifying writing this, given that while a fair share of the female population do watch porn, it’s not something many admit. Or even admit that it’s a problem. We’re aware of men’s sexual habits and vices that break up marriages and relationships, but we don’t talk about women’s.
And I think that’s how I want to start this spoke in the wheel. Admit that as a woman, I do this, admit that it’s a problem, admit that as a Christian that I’m seriously messed up and have seriously messed up. And start breaking it.