A summary – I knew I was immature, but I didn’t know just how immature I am (or was?) until a trip to a porn shop in a foreign country. Wait, no. Start over.
This article will focus on growing up. But that’s too wide a topic. Let’s focus on sex, since “porn shop” is in the title.
Naturally, as we get older, sex becomes a motive/goal/incentive/main focus in life. After all, reproduction and the continuation of a species is the subconscious/natural purpose in life. Adding Life is Life. Yes. Also it supposedly feels good, so that’s a plus, right?
Sex is an experience associated with grown ups and maturity. Which could be a reason why teenagers are so eager to have sex.
I think about sex. I’m 23, so, Duh. Still, thinking (and/or talking) about it and doing it – two different things. Being blatant about it, not exactly my cuppa, but I’m still trying, because, face it, I’m a grown-ass woman, and I think I could – and should- be mature about it. Whether I have had sex or not is irrelevant, but there it is.
And there is the crux of the matter. I’m physically at the age where this should be normal. Familiar might be a better word. And living in a time where sex is part of, like, everything, one expects that everyone, no matter our ages, would have some knowledge and understanding of sex – hopefully from our parents, like me and my siblings, but most likely, this isn’t the case – which leads to multiple problems – see MTV’s 16 and pregnant.
This right of passage is something that my mother finds a source of stress when it comes to me. On the one hand, she doesn’t want me to have sex too early, or until marriage, whichever, but on the other, I’ve shown no interest in the opposite sex for any relationship past friendship. I’m not normal. Girls my age should do what I’m seemingly refusing to do.
I’m sensing digression. Back to my efforts at making a point. Sex, porn shops and growing up.
The anecdote:
Back in August of 2012, my University Spanish class went on a conference trip to Peru. After the conference, we had time to wander the city. Which I and a friend did so quite happily. And we stumbled upon a porn shop, once or twice, although we didn’t go in until a the last day of our time in Peru.
Now, we had no reason for being in there except for curiosity’s sake. And we told the shopkeeper so. No, we had no Significant other to shop for. No, we weren’t looking for anything for ourselves. We were basically wasting his time, so he asked us, in a stern tone (not without reason, I think) what were we doing there, then.
So what was I doing there? Curious, yes. But for what reason? I didn’t have a boyfriend, I had no prospects in mind and I wasn’t searching for any.
I guess I thought that it was a sort of rite of passage (I’m using this phrase a lot) to go into one. Maybe I thought that since I knew what I knew after being exposed to the reality from a young enough age, I thought that it would be okay for whatever reason I had in mind back then.
But all I could think of was how comfortable my mother would have been in there when she was my age. And younger. And how uncomfortable I felt, despite the whole event being my idea.
There are a few reasons I could think of for that. 1)I’m a sheltered child, no matter what I think, and what I’ve been told about sex, sexual practices and sexuality. Being told about something and experiencing it yourself are two different things, and will have different conclusions. They affect you differently. 2) My parents got married at 20 and 19. My mother had me just five months before her 20th birthday. By the time she was my age I was already in school and my sister was nearing age two. Being in a porn shop and setting all of that wouldn’t even phase my mother at 23. 3) I’m a houserat. I go nowhere, experience very little compared to my peers, and I’m happy despite that.
It all boils down to the fact that I’m extremely immature, in terms of behaviour and experience alike. And it had to take a sex-themed (sex-centric?) experience for this revelation to come to me. This whole experience while focused one part of growing up showed me a greater design.
If this is true, generally and for more innocent matters, how would I act when it comes to sex? That question has plagued me for a while.
Since Peru- since the porn shop- I have a better gauge for measuring how mature I actually am, and where I’m expected to be more mature than I choose to act. It’s been effective in many areas in life, not just in boy, girl, interest, kiss kiss, bang bang, shishboombah. (If that description says something…) Since then, I’ve been making little moves and taking little steps in perusing my path to a grown-up status. I’m not there yet. Far from it, but I’ll get there soon.
I hope.
Rantings from inside my head 